I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
