I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
