We won't sleep together?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
