Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
