i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
