the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
