You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
