OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
