didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
