When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
