Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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