you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
