Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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