My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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