phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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