I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
