Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
