So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
