just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
