I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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