You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
