Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
