look no pants
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
