i jhust puked up my retainher.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
