I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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