he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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