She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
