I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
