I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
