Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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