Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
