She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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