Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
