fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
