Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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