Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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