great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
