I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
