Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
