Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
