Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm passing your future prison.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
