ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
