Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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