the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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