Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
