Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
