I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
