rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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