found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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