mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
